I play basketball. I have played basketball my entire life, starting at the young age of 4. I played every year of my life until my junior year of high school. After my sophomore season of starting the JV team, being a team captain, and loving the sport dearly, I received much melancholy news: surgery was essential. "Essential for what?", I asked. I had no idea I even had an injury. Here is what my doctor said: "You have this condition called osteocondritis dissecans. This means you injured yourself around two years ago in your ankle, ignored the pain, and injured it more. It's at the point where you might be injured for the rest of your life without surgery."
Holy shit. It was the first thought that entered my head. Holy shit. How did I ever get myself into this? I thought everything was going fine: I had a life; a social, academic, AND athletic life. However, this news changed me from that moment on. I not only couldn't play basketball that season, go on runs, or even walk from my bedroom to the toilet without so much as an inkling of pain shooting up through my entire left leg, I also had to get the dreadful, hateful, hideous microfracture surgery. I hated my life right then and there, when the horrid news broke out. Who hears "chronic pain" and doesn't flinch? Definitely not I.
What happened in the next year was a blur. I had intense physical therapy, steroid injections that caused me the most severe pain I had never imagined, the infamous surgery, and then months and months of crutches. Oh. And let's not forget those few extra months of walking in a cast boot, attracting glances of pity from every which way. It was exactly like walking into a self-conscious nightmare of consistent, heart-piercing attention. Horrible. Frightening. And also painful. I woke up in the middle of the night sometimes, pain not just shooting past my knee, but into my hips and lower back. At times, the pain was so severe I couldn't think, let alone move one limb on my body, not even to give my mother a thumbs down as she leaned over to ask how I was doing.
To put it frankly, I was definitely a depressed person. If I had gone to a psychologist, I'd probably be diagnosed with some kind of mood disorder. Although I continued to get straight A's in school, win solo competitions in violin, and remain in some kind of social circle, the one thing that hurt me the most was the dormancy. All my life, as I said, I have been active in some way. I go on hikes with my family, bike rides, runs, walks, and even errands to the store. All of the things people take for granted, pretty much, wasn't even an option for me. It still isn't and it's been, what, a year and a half? Today marks one week until I find out if I will have to have surgery again. I hope with all my heart that I won't. I live in a constant state of agony and pain, each time an atom of my foot hits the ground, there elicits pain, shooting through the sensory neurons to my brain, letting me know again and again of the pain my ankle so kindly offers me. I know I'm lucky to have a supportive community all around me, distractions to keep my mind off the pain for just one minute at a time, but I can't help think about all the people I see walking by on the street, or running. All I think when I do see them is how lucky they are to have such freedom. They are free to do, see, go wherever they so please. It's something we all take for granted at times. I know I did. I still do in some aspects of my life. But one thing will always hold true for me: you really don't understand the passion you feel for something you have or do or see or experience every day unless that one thing that keeps it together is destroyed, completely. Forever. It's a lesson I have had to learn the painful way. The most painful way possible.
In retrospect, however, I learned a lot from this injury of mine. Sure, there were bumps in the road, definitely. There still are. I think, though, it's what I do with what I'm given that matters. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I just have to seek mine out. I'll let you know how this goes for me soon.
Take care.
